I Didn’t Know Academic Rivalry Would Feel Like This

AI-generated artwork for the blog post “I Didn’t Know Academic Rivalry Would Feel Like This,” created by Clove (author of Clove Thoughts) using an original prompt in Microsoft Bing Image Creator (DALL·E) and edited in Canva.

© 2025 Clove Thoughts. This AI-generated image is exclusively licensed for the creator’s commercial use under the policies of Bing, Canva, and Blogger. It captures the quiet emotional burden of academic rivalry — the invisible exhaustion beneath the race for success, the subtle isolation felt by high achievers, and the fading sense of self that comes from constant comparison and pressure.

At first, I thought I was just doing what every student was supposed to do.

I showed up on time. I did my work, followed the rules, stayed focused. Not to stand out but because I believed it was the right thing.

But over time, something around me started to shift.

The people I studied with started acting different.
If I participated too much, they stared.
If I did well, there were whispers.
When I followed instructions properly, it felt like quiet judgment filled the air.

And yet, when they needed help, they asked like everything was normal.

It felt confusing, like I was welcome only when it was convenient.

They stopped including me in things that mattered. I wasn’t told about updates that others knew. Still, I shared whatever I thought the class needed. I didn’t expect anything in return, but I also didn’t expect to feel so disconnected.

What no one noticed was how much I was struggling underneath.

I wasn’t just tired. I was exhausted in a way I couldn’t explain. But I kept showing up, thinking maybe it would pass.

I didn’t talk about it. Maybe I didn’t know how. Maybe I thought no one would understand or care.

Eventually, it caught up with me.
My performance dropped.
And strangely, so did the judgment.
I was no longer someone to compete with, so the pressure around me faded.

But something inside me faded too.

The part of me that used to believe in myself quietly pulled back. I started second-guessing everything. Even when I was still doing the right things, I felt disconnected from them.

I kept trying. But it felt like I was slowly disappearing.

Not all at once, but little by little.

No one said anything cruel. There were no loud moments. Just small things that added up until I barely recognized who I was becoming.

I’m still figuring it out. Still trying to understand how something that looked so normal on the surface affected me so deeply.

Have you ever tried to do everything right and still felt like you were slowly fading?

Note: This post features an AI-generated image thoughtfully created by Clove to convey the quiet toll of unspoken academic rivalry — capturing feelings of subtle exclusion, emotional fatigue, and the gradual erosion of self-trust. The image was generated using Microsoft Bing Image Creator (DALL·E) and refined in Canva.

Thank you for reading. If you've ever felt unseen despite doing everything right, this space is for you.
— Clove, author of Clove Thoughts

Watch quiet stories come to life — visit @clovethoughts on YouTube for narrative short films and audiovisual reflections.

© 2025 Clove Thoughts. All rights reserved.
Originally published at https://clovethoughts.blogspot.com
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